Sunday, June 27, 2010

they said that hell's not hot

I kill myself in small amounts
And each relationship is not about love
Just another funeral
And just another girl left in tears

So at my psychiatrist appointment, she gave me three choices for my medication. One, increase the Risperdal (antipsychotic which also tends to help mood and anxiety) I'm already taking... two, take an antidepressant from a different group (the last two I was on were from serotonin reuptake inhibitors) called Remeron... or three, take a drug used to treat bipolar depression, Lamictal. But when Lamictal is used on children, they tend to have bad side effects, like rashes and things like that. Since I am very indecisive and didn't know what to do, I got my father to decide. He decided to put me on Remeron. Now my parents hate me because I get into a huge fight with them every time they try to make me take my medication. I hope my psychiatrist takes me off of it again on my next appointment.

Since I have nothing left to cut myself with, I've started relying on choking... Instead of using my hands, I use a belt... Last night I looked in a mirror while doing it to see what it does, and I looked very sick... Eyes have closed and almost watering, red face... And now I'm hoping that if I do it enough, after a while I'll start getting scratches on my neck... Kind of odd to want to be scarred, isn't it? Well, not really odd, just kind of twisted.

As for food... I'm still paranoid whenever I eat, but I've still been having more than I would like. I'll try to think of some kind of plan I can follow without my parents getting suspicious of me. However, I'm going to start a fast tomorrow. It will end on July 3, which is when I'll be on vacation. There, I will eat no more than 500 calories a day. I'll be back on July 17, so that day I will start another fast. It will last until August 1.

Oh, and I deleted all my past posts to mark a new beginning where I won't screw up with anything and will lead as close to a perfect life as I can manage. Then again, I don't want the perfect life... But either way, I won't mess up this time. If I say I'll do something, then I will. I'll actually try to respect myself. At least, psychologically. Physically, I don't mind injuring myself.

I gave my soul to someone else
She must have known that it was already sold
But it was never about her
It was about the hurt

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