Friday, July 2, 2010

let me in your dream

I'm so proud of myself right now!! My parents left to drop off our dog at my uncle's place, so I spent the time looking for something to cut with, since they found and took everything I had. First I tried to break a glass, but I couldn't smash it against the floor because my brother is still here, so I tried it outside, but the ground is too soft. So I gave up on that idea and went to look for pencil sharpeners I could take the razors out of. I started by scouring all of the middle floor, but couldn't find anything (though I did get a screw driver so I could take out the razor) but a mechanical one, which I had no idea how to take apart. I looked in the basement, nothing, I looked in my parents' room and found the calligraphy pen I used to cut with. I took that, and continued my search because it wasn't good enough. (Yeah, this is turning into a story, haha) I took the mechanical sharpener, and tried to get the razor out. I used multiple screw drivers, but the fucking thing wouldn't move. After spending over an hour trying to get it out, I was extremely pissed off and tried cutting myself with the calligraphy pen. Like I suspected, not good enough. I bled, but it dried instantly. So I looked back in the place where I found the mechanical one, and lo and behold, there was a double pencil sharpener. I removed both razors, and despite the fact that they're old and rusty, knew I could use them. I washed them off just in case they might give me an infection (I think I have one already, anyway), and hid everything in different places so my mom can't find all of them. I know I'm stupid not to find the thing I was looking for instantly, but it was fun, and I'm so happy now that I don't even need to cut.

So anyway, I'm going to Calgary tomorrow... I have two books to read on the plane, because it's two hours to Toronto, then four more to Calgary. The Looking Glass Wars and Goth Girl Rising (which I refused to read a few months ago because I couldn't find what I believe is the prequel, but it's not sold here so I just decided to buy it)... And I deleted all of Marilyn Manson's music from my iPod because I fucking despise him now... Before, I couldn't decide whether to love or hate him. Now I'm absolutely certain that it's hate. I hate everything he does, everything he represents. His music is good, but I don't care. He's not worth listening to. And one of his girlfriends got an abortion (his child) which pissed me off even more... And his song Get Your Gunn, I absolutely despise the lyrics. He talks about cutting as if everyone who does it is fucking emo, and is basically saying how stupid pro-life is. Well, not exactly, he's insulting the hypocritical ones who take away life when they say they promote it, but still.

But I digress... I couldn't do my fast because of my parents, but it's alright because I'm so happy right now and I know I can get my revenge on them very soon. My breakfast in Calgary will simply consist of tea and nothing else, and I'm sure I can have small servings for lunch and dinner, since my parents are used to me complaining about how I'm never hungry enough to finish things...

And I've recently fell in love with the Gothic Lolita band RazorBladeKisses. They only have one album, but their music is dark and enchanting, they look so amazing, and their lyrics aren't the best, but still good. And their video for Ballerina is simply lovely... Or maybe it's just that they're lovely... Whatever. I'm still rambling...

So I have to stay on Remeron for now, but that's alright because I will fucking show them, prove to them that I am not depressed, and they will regret ignoring me. My psychiatrist said that I might stay in a hospital (a good one, outside of my city) for a month or so to get re-evaluated since I'm absolutely certain that I'm not depressed, but we'll see later. I'm not certain, actually. Just maybe 85% sure. If I have a mood disorder, it's not a serious one. Maybe dysthymia or cyclothymia.

And I have to go now, so that's all the pointless things I'll be rambling about today. I don't think I'll be posting again until I'm back in two weeks, and I haven't read anyone's blogs in about a week so I'll have a lot of catching up to do. Haha, talk about being a self-centered bitch.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you didn't end up cutting too much [:
    Take care of yourself and have fun in Calgary! <3 :)