Sunday, November 28, 2010

Let them condemn

I haven't cut this much in about half a year. It feels good. I feel good. Nobody can change that. I will never feel bad, terrible, horrible ever in my life because I... Will get my revenge. I fucking swear. The quote that got me through the day is from Otep's song Crooked Spoons. 'Crooked spoons on every wall, genocide lines the hall, ten guage needles and a prayer, smearing sin everywhere.' i've been repeating it over and over and over again. Otep is amazing... You will know me by the scars I bear, you will know me by the hate I swear...

My favourite song by her is Milk of Regret, at the moment. The second song I heard of theirs... I just can't forget the blood, the stitches, the bite marks, the kisses... The glass memories reflecting back. I was so naive, I refuses to feed, waiting for you to notice me...

I am so sick
sick of this
sick of life
sick of you
sick of lies
sick of myself
sick of being sick
I had just come out of my fucking goddamn depressive state and now here I fucking am again. With the fucking scars to fucking prove I was fucking here.
BUT I don't feel horrible because I will never feel that way again. I feel great. I like the depression. It's better than you'll ever be. It keeps me company on the worst days of my life, when nobody else will.

Group therapy for girls who are depressed, mutilating themselves, and suicidal. I might be going to it. But I have social anxiety so maybe not.

Depression is the most wonderful mental illness ever so fuck you

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Don't you hate it when your guidance counsellor sends you to the hospital? I do. But it's fine now since I'm gone. I still have my bracelet on (the one they give the patients). D0293179 DE028432/10

I'm so low. But I'm not LOW, just low. A while ago I was LOW, but the feeling has past and I am in despair. My spirits are rising and my thoughts are no longer revolving around death and suicide. Oh but I'm getting a rat. I'm not allowed but I'll do it anyway and hide it.

I hate Marilyn Manson right now. I even kind of hate Emilie Autumn and that's not normal... It's not the MOOD I'm in that's causing it, but I don't know what is... Oh well. The psychiatrist at the hospital, the first thing she asked was if I like girls or boys or both (what my sexual orientation is). I said no to all of them...

But I still love Aprella and I dearly hope she will be on the NA tour. And Maggot and Contessa and Veronica and I love Emilie again too. Still hate Manson.

I thought I knew you, my sweetest cyanide... I thought I had you believe in nothing... I thought I knew you, my teenage suicide... I thought I had you believe in nothing

I'm happy. Not really. Just... Not happy, not sad, not apathetic. I don't know

I used to hate people who starve themselves. You know what, I still do. But I hate everybody

going to the early psychosis program soon, very anxious about that. I don't want to go. Especially if it's GROUP THERAPY, that would suck. I'd feel so fucking bad. Oh well, I'll survive, I guess. Strive to survive

I really need to die soon

Sunday, November 14, 2010

They said that hell's not hot

Psychiatrist increased my dose of Abilify because I'm still psychotic. Going to go to the Early Psychosis Program on Thursday with asshole doctor who thinks all your problems will be solved if you get a boyfriend. Boys are disgusting, vile creatures, I don't want to go near one. Lovely!2&/

I don't fucking care. Everybody sucks. Losers.

45 calories a day. 35 calorie yogurt. 10 calorie salad. No MORE than 95 a day. Because I am HAPPY. No, because I need to lose weight. No shit. Oh and exercise 3 hours a day. It sucks that after ten minutes you start burning less calories. Fucking gym teacher, I'd be happier not knowing that. Oh well, hula hooping burns 60-80 calories in 10 minutes and I need to get better at it, so fuck

today, everybody died in my world

I am alone, so alone...

My therapist was born on HaLOWEen. I died on Halloween... Sunday is gloomy... I do it better in smaller amounts, thank you very much

my dearest Marilyn is ALIVE. She's a beautiful porcelain doll of mine, and she moves on her own. I love her. All my dolls are alive, they fell down in the night once and I freaked out and... Rats, I want rats. But my mom won't let me.

I love life!!! So beautiful and amazing and WONDERFUL. Not really, but life can be okay. Emilie Autumn is so sexy. I can't wait for February 15. If I were 18, I could make out with Veronica Varlow... Maybe with my mask I will look older. Corona Theatre Montreal Quebec plague rat soup

funny how things change.

Suicide, dead inside... Overdose, comatose... I don't know the lyrics... Suicide Commando! I cried for you.

I can't stop shaking... Wake up and stop shaking cause your just wasting time... But I can't... You probably could... No I couldn't... Shut UP

wonderland, I found WONDERLAND!!! Fuck yes

I kill myself in small amounts, we all do... We're all dying... Nobody dies of old age. Marilyn Manson agreed with me... I bet he wants to fuck Emilie Autumn... Who doesn't? But he's a loser. Emilie is so much better.

It was NOT a phase!!!! Fuck

fisk worn Alene DNA ANSI she ska

I'm going to go kill myself again

Sunday, November 7, 2010

We'll say that we don't believe...

I had a dream (this one I feel the need to mention), I was happy for a while and I stopped being scared and ashamed to say what's on my mind... Wow...

I, Alice Nightningale, official inmate of the Wonderland Asylum for Curious Little Girls, am going to see the Headmistress of the Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls, Emilie Autumn, LIVE in Montreal on February 15, 2011 with my Blood Sister, who is ironically also named Alice. Fuck yes. It will certainly be nice to visit a different asylum for bit.

I became Blood Sisters with Alice on Halloween night. We cut our palms and mixed our blood. We plan to do this ritual every holiday and every full moon. We plan to kill ourselves together... Kind of. I'm thinking reenacting Emily (with a 'y') and Anne's suicide, jumping off a bridge together. Hopefully neither of us will be like Emily and survive. And why? Because we have no talents, nothing to live for. There's nothing we can do with our lives. Unless Emilie decides to take us in and make us Bloody Crumpets, or we get committed for life.

But enough of that. I have four elastics on my wrist, each named after poisons. The beige one snaps the best. He is named Cyanide. The purple one is Vitriol (as in 'spit vitriol, not swallow'). The blue one is Atropine, and the green one is Treacle.

A few weeks ago, I had a WONDERFUL tea party with Emilie Autumn and Marilyn Manson. Marilyn needs to learn to shut the fuck up, though. Emilie, on the other hand, was very sweet. Marilyn was rude and kept interrupting us and randomly started screaming when we began talking about something particularly interesting. Asshole.

So. I'll lose some weight before the EA concert. I already have a plan laid out.

I'm making gifts for EA and her Bloody Crumpets. I'm nearly finished Emilie's and it's beautiful. I'm working on Suffer's right now, and after that will be Lady Aprella.

Life is beautiful. Not really, life sucks but THAT'S OKAY. Because I'm going to see Emilie Autumn live on February 15, 2011.