Thursday, February 24, 2011

pink dress

Du bist mein anderes ich, du bist mein zweites gesicht...

On that note, my life is fucking wonderful. Why? because I am going to WONDERLAND. Wonderland. And that's somewhere Emilie Autumn could never get to. She's a poser, a failure, a liar. She's no Alice. She never was. Her precious Asylum is a lie, it doesn't even belong to her. She couldn't get to Wonderland so she made a reality of her own, but she didn't even make it a reality. She's a sell-out. A slut. She's not asexual, she's straight and loves to fuck men but she's too afraid to admit it. Well, she can admit that she fucks men, but she doesn't want to say she actually likes them. I still love her music and her book, but like Marilyn Manson said about the Bible, The Asylum is great literature. That's all. I used to believe her. She's not Wonderland-like at all. She probably thinks Wonderland will accept her, thinks that she's so special and amazing, just because her last name is Liddell. No, I am not jealous. I am angry.

Anyway, I need to prove that I have self-control. Why? It has to do with Wonderland. I have three possibilities of how to prove this, one of which will not work out anymore. Would have been great, though... Anyway, the two options I have left are food and sleep. Proving this matters especially after I turn fifteen. Oh, one more major test of self-control is controlling my anger. Really should work on that...

I'm not in looove, nor am I obsessed... I'm just very, very disappointed... God won't help me in matters like this. But I'm not like Marilyn Manson, thank God... I'm just a girl, playing the suicide Alice... That makes sense to idiots like me

I had six cups of tea in less than an hour and I couldn't be happier. Well, I COULD but god won't fucking allow it

Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice

Alice. Dream-Alice. My dream-Alice. Lewis Carroll's dream-Alice.

I wish I was Hungarian...

I wish I was finished my novel studies project...

I wish I was a little girl...

I can be a little girl... Psychologically, anyway... Maybe... I'll try...

They said it's suicide... She's trapped inside her mind... She tastes like cyanide... Poisoned right through

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

dead is the new alive

I just got back from Montreal. The Emilie Autumn concert was yesterday, and it was fucking AMAZING. She had a new intro and it was beautiful and everything was shaking right before Best Safety Lies In Fear, and it was beautiful. Before the show started, my sister and I saw black stiletto shoes and started screaming our heads off... The girl wearing them walked over to the curtain and stuck her shoe out and other people started screaming, then she left. It was Veronica fucking Varlow. My sister and I were in the front row to the far left. During Unlaced when dearest Emilie was playing her violin, she walked over to where I was standing, knelt down about a foot in front of me, looked into my eyes, and smiled sweetly yet menacingly. I almost died. I am even more in love with Emilie now, way more. I wanted to touch her or scream 'i love you' but all I could do was grin like a fucking Cheshire cat. I love her!
At the merchandise stand, I bought a black Thunder Rats t-shirt and a Captain Maggot poster. That's all I was allowed to buy. I am so happy.
While in Montreal, my sister and I visited a few goth stores. We each bought a beautiful black and white dress that would be Lolita if it was shorter at a store called Cruella.
I am happy. Happy because I have my sister, I have Emilie Autumn, I have Lewis Carroll, I have Wonderland and dream-Alice. I don't feel sorry for the ones who claim to be 'depressed', whether you're diagnosed or not. It's your fault. There is always something to live for, something to hang on to, you just have to find it. I was stupid. I made mistakes. But now I know the right way to get things done. It's not cutting myself, it's not starving myself, and it's not rejecting emotions, rejecting people, rejecting everything so selfishly just so I can feel better. No, I'm not 'recovered'. I just found out about Wonderland. There's a line in Marilyn Manson's song 'The Last Day Of Earth' that sums it up pretty well... "when I found you, it was almost too late / and this earth seems obliviating" When I found Lewis Carroll, it WAS almost too late. I might very well be dead right now if it weren't for Wonderland. This earth was fucking obliviating, but then I realized I can reject this earth, this reality, for something better. But that's personal, so never mind...

Thursday, February 10, 2011


Well, I tried weed for the first time today. Smoked it off of a fucking SAFETY PIN. What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Well, hopefully we'll have cigarettes tomorrow and he won't be in detention. I was late for math because of it... I have all my classes with my sister though, so it's okay... And he said he might have acid for us on Thursday (when we come back from Montreal). Much more excited about that.

Drugs, they are made in California

yeah, anyway... Well, there's nothing else to say. I'm glad I decided to try drugs while I'm still under 15. Wonderful. I need to try acid before I turn 15 next month. Yes...

Monday, February 7, 2011


Science Technology Art English Math is my shedule
last term there was this guy in my phys ed class who walked up to my sister and I and asked if we did drugs. We said yes, to see what he would say. He asked us what kind, we said marijuana. He said he could get us some drugs and we didn't respond. In January we had our gym exam and he asked us again if we did drugs, we said only on the weekend, he again offered to get us some drugs. He said acid was his favourite and that he would sell it to us. Now gym is over, but he's in my art class and he again offered to sell us drugs, this time we accepted, said we'd buy acid. The net day he found out we really didn't do drugs and said acid wasn't a good idea for our first time and we should try marijuana instead. He's hilarious. On the first day of school, my sister and I saw him and named him The Loner, but that proved unfitting when he talked to someone in gym class. Oh well. We didn't think he'd try to sell us drugs.

I am going to go to Wonderland on May 4, Alice's birthday. Lewis Carroll, oh how I love him. I'm reading his complete works at the moment and it makes me so happy. His story Bruno's Revenge already gave us the Key to Wonderland. What a lovely man, I wish he would have written letters to me when I was a child. Yes, I am going to Wonderland. WONDERLAND! I'll be just like sweet little Alice, my queen, my goddess, the dream-Alice!

And on top of that I'm going to an Emilie Autumn concert. I couldn't be more excited. Well I probably could but I'm a little stressed out right now about my schedule.

I saw a dietician, I can go vegan, eventually

my favourite song is Haifisch by Rammstein. Beauiful!! Depressing, wonderful, perfect, death!

I can't wait to go to Wonderland