Wednesday, February 16, 2011

dead is the new alive

I just got back from Montreal. The Emilie Autumn concert was yesterday, and it was fucking AMAZING. She had a new intro and it was beautiful and everything was shaking right before Best Safety Lies In Fear, and it was beautiful. Before the show started, my sister and I saw black stiletto shoes and started screaming our heads off... The girl wearing them walked over to the curtain and stuck her shoe out and other people started screaming, then she left. It was Veronica fucking Varlow. My sister and I were in the front row to the far left. During Unlaced when dearest Emilie was playing her violin, she walked over to where I was standing, knelt down about a foot in front of me, looked into my eyes, and smiled sweetly yet menacingly. I almost died. I am even more in love with Emilie now, way more. I wanted to touch her or scream 'i love you' but all I could do was grin like a fucking Cheshire cat. I love her!
At the merchandise stand, I bought a black Thunder Rats t-shirt and a Captain Maggot poster. That's all I was allowed to buy. I am so happy.
While in Montreal, my sister and I visited a few goth stores. We each bought a beautiful black and white dress that would be Lolita if it was shorter at a store called Cruella.
I am happy. Happy because I have my sister, I have Emilie Autumn, I have Lewis Carroll, I have Wonderland and dream-Alice. I don't feel sorry for the ones who claim to be 'depressed', whether you're diagnosed or not. It's your fault. There is always something to live for, something to hang on to, you just have to find it. I was stupid. I made mistakes. But now I know the right way to get things done. It's not cutting myself, it's not starving myself, and it's not rejecting emotions, rejecting people, rejecting everything so selfishly just so I can feel better. No, I'm not 'recovered'. I just found out about Wonderland. There's a line in Marilyn Manson's song 'The Last Day Of Earth' that sums it up pretty well... "when I found you, it was almost too late / and this earth seems obliviating" When I found Lewis Carroll, it WAS almost too late. I might very well be dead right now if it weren't for Wonderland. This earth was fucking obliviating, but then I realized I can reject this earth, this reality, for something better. But that's personal, so never mind...

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